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Dictionary of My Life

We move in circles
Balanced all the while
On a gleaming razor's edge
A perfect sphere
Colliding with our fate
This story ends where it began


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PROFILE
Azwan - Takeshi

20th March 1992.

A 21-year old body with a mind far beyond comprehension.

History:
-Qifa Primary Sch
-Bukit View Secondary Sch
-Ngee Ann Polytechnic
-Specialist Cadet Sch 15/13

I'm a:
-Shinobi
-Anime Otaku
-Photographer
-Traceur
-Audio-visual Freelance
-Instrumentalist
-Artist
-Skater
-Biker

Things I love:
-Anime
-Photography
-Speed Biking
-Music
-Elsa (elec guit)
-Belle (acoustic guit)
-Dust (semi-acoustic guit)
-Skating (land/ice)
-Badminton / Tennis
-Drawing
-Parkour
-My cat
-Siti Nurhidayah Binte Osman <3



I don't dare to kill even an ant.
p.s Kill animals and I'll hunt you down.

I may be quiet most of the time.
But if you're willing to talk, I may talk for kilometers. =P

Contacts:

Myspace | myYearbook | Youtube Channel | Email

Facebook Profile:

Azwan Takeshi

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"A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.” - Ernest Hemingway"


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    Tuesday, May 04, 2010
    Changed
    ...


    Have you ever thought of what blind people really see?

    Have you ever thought of how disabled people wished they could do sports like us?

    Have you ever thought of how every parent wants their children to be smart?


    ...

    Life isn't fair?

    Think to yourself, if you think life isn't fair, you're saying that God's bad.

    I thought of all these.

    For 2 days.

    Before anything happens, I want to share some of the most memorable phenomenons that happened throughout my life ( I'll not be stating every single one) :

    In pri school ( can't remember the time or date or place or status =P ), I helped a blind lady cross the road. I was happy. I looked scary, like a brat, yet she wasn't afraid of me. Cause she couldn't look at me. She felt my sheer warm presence in myself. She was extraordinary.

    In sec sch, I helped a handicapped man to buy things in the shop, cause he was exhausted walking with only a leg. I kept thinking how people with only a leg hoped for so much to walk, while we, with two fit legs, become lazy people.

    Last year, I was at Clementi, and a blind man needed my help to look out for his bus number 105. He chatted with me about how he was disappointed with the size of City Vibes. He told me he expected it to be slightly larger than Vivo City. I was fascinated. How can a blind person tell the size of a shopping mall?

    I was waiting for class to start yesterday, so I went to have breakfast at Canteen 2. A very short girl walked past the carpark. It was a sickness, I'm not sure what it's called. She's half my height.
    And I said to myself ' oh God, what was I thinking!? There are people out there who want to be tall like I do, and I'm still complaining about being the shortest guy in class? I realized, I'm a sinner.

    Yesterday night, I was at Jurong Point with sis at 2230h. A Chinese man on a wheelchair called up to me. His right leg was amputated till above the knee. He said in Chinese ( Halo boy ar, ni ge yi pang wo ...blablabla... chi na pian toilet ge yi ma? ) Something like that. And so I pushed him like what seemed forever, while I chatted with my sis. When I reached the toilet for the handicapped, I helped him in, and he conveyed his gratitude by saying 'thank you' a lot of times. I thought of how people like these hold their bladder and pushed the wheelchair on their own, while we could just run to the toilet on our own two legs. I felt really sad. And I walked home instead of taking the bus.

    ...

    And here I am, complaining about every single thing I didnt like.

    Here's what I think about myself:

    I'm short. I'm only 168cm (5ft 1 inch) tall. In my wishlist, I wanted to be a nice 175cm. No one's attracted to short guys like me.

    I am ugly. Look at my eyes. My nose. My mouth. I look like a girl. And my eyelashes are so long, girls are jealous of me. Hey girls, do you really think I want these long eyelashes? Take it if you can. I'm more than happy. I'll jump for joy.

    My hair sucks. It's damaged. Frizzy. Always dry. And it's always too thick.

    I'm dark. I hate my skin tone. I don't understand why those people around me want to stupidly tan their skin when it's in such a nice fair tone. It isn't fair. Here I want skin like them, and there they are at the beach, spoiling the beautiful skin. Stupid people. You don't appreciate what God gave you. Nice skin tone. And you are damaging it. Fuck you.

    I'm poor. No one wants to go out with poor people. I cant even buy food sometimes. And they're easily throwing food when they're full.

    I'm too mature. I think like an adult. Maybe because of all the experiences I've gone through since young. Even now, I'm all grown up, and it's hard to cry, even when my beloved granny passed away. But, thinking of my terrible past makes me shed tears, and I wished so much, that never would any other dear child suffer the same fate as me.

    ...

    I thought for 2 days.

    What was I thinking?

    What have I done?

    My eyes are ugly. Yes. Ugly eyes that see the beautiful world. Others have beautiful eyes that see nothing but black.

    I'm short. I hate it. Others are half my height. And they don't complain.

    I thought of being lazy. There are people who would want a set of legs to walk on.

    I'm dark. There are darker people.

    I realized, they're such extraordinary people, with strong hearts.

    And, I'm just normal.

    I'm a retard for thinking too much about myself.

    I regret it.

    So much.

    Really.

    I'm disappointed of my own brain.

    How could I ever think of such negative thoughts?

    ...

    My point is, I want to change.

    And I have.

    And I need to promise myself to stay this way.

    I will.

    I must.

    Wake up to a new me, people.

    =)


    Az1



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